| What's the Part of You That No One Sees? |
[25 May 2009|11:37pm] |
| The Part of You That No One Sees is Detached |  You are aloof, mysterious, and distant.
People feel like they really don't know the true you...
Yet they're still drawn to you, almost by magnetic force.
Underneath it all, you don't even really feel like you know yourself.
It's easier to put on a front than really think about your life's purpose.
You tend to seem pretentious, but it's just a mechanism you use to push people away. |
Interesting...
Your Knight.
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| Life Ball 2009 |
[20 May 2009|11:19am] |
After 6 months of abstinence it is time to re-activate my livejournal. I cut down the activity here for several reasons - job-related and personal. Most stuff is solved now and I can follow your entries better again.
What could be a better opportunity to return to livejournal than the Life Ball 2009 in Vienna?
Life Ball is an AIDS charity event. A large event. The largest in Europe if I am not mistaken. It started in 1993 as a pretty small event and most people expected it to be an one-time event, just some crazy fags having fun. But soon people realised that it was something completely different and now, 2009, the whole thing is bigger and more important than in the past. Ever.
It is nice to see all the stars coming along to help the foundation but the thing that really counts for me every year is to see all the "normal" people who just come there to watch the costumes and get a feeling of the night. People who are open and interested enough to go there and get some odd and old-fashioned pictures out of their mind. People who are probably able to SEE that all these "sexually misleds" in a different light.
I had, e.g., an interesting conversation with a man who could have been my grandfather. He explained that all this was not "normal" and back then when he had been young all things have been better and easier and well, you know... not typing it all down. I am for sure not going into a political not so correct discussion with an old man because also if they do not show me any respect I do so. Old people have seen many things in their lives and we owe them respect in any possible way. But I could not resist to ask him why he was here then if all this was just odd and not how it should be. I am not often speechless but he really took me off-guard when he answered: "Time to accept that not all things can be normal before I die."
Thank you very much for this conversation at a really great evening.
Your Knight.
P.S.: I love Bill Clinton.
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[13 Nov 2008|01:22pm] |
Not dead - not the journal, not me.
Just put on hold.
I owe an apology to all the people who wondered and worried where I am or what happened - or probably piles of apologies.
Yes, I just disappeared and no, that is not what I would call apropriate behaviour but well, that is life at times, is it not? I just could not get myself to log in here or on Yahoo or any board or mail server. Your mind says: "Do it!" and your body is just out of order. Well, sounds dramatic but my life was not. It was and is just busy.
Take care,
Your Knight.
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| A piece of writing. |
[10 Aug 2008|06:06pm] |
Title: A Fallen Angel.
Author: CD.Ward
Summary:
This is a small piece of writing about Lucifer and how he sees the war of heaven and his fall.
Author's notes:
In fact I admit that I put a lot of my own thoughts into this little story. Seeing the history behind the name Lucifer I started to mix the picture we have in mind when we talk about Lucifer and the ability of the Christian church to pervert the facts. With this I came to the conclusion that Lucifer must have a significant amount of humour. I hope I did not fail him there.
( A Fallen Angel )
Your Knight.
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[26 Jun 2008|11:11pm] |
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Life is a bitch at times.
At least one person will exactly know what I mean.
Thank you for staying contact although you have your stuff to worry about!
And just because I love these lines:
I see the fear in your eyes
Your try to hide your pain from me
I can see behind your mask
You got a fragile heart of glass
Your Knight.
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| Heaven Now... |
[24 May 2008|02:56pm] |
... is a wonderful song with a deep meaning, a song that (should) make you think by one of my all time favorite bands: London After Midnight. Personally I think Sean Brennan is amazing. He composes the songs, plays almost all instruments when he records the stuff and last but not least he always makes a point. I stumbled over the song again today and found it pretty inspiring.
I almost forgot how Photoshop works!
heaven now
Text and title of the wallpaper was (of course) taken from the song. So credit for this goes to Sean Brennan.
Your Knight.
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| My friend Harvey & stuff. |
[01 Apr 2008|12:19pm] |
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I think I am more or less back to normal as far as my personal world of feelings is concerned. At least for the moment. I will not post a huge back! post in here though because a.) the ones who read in here know it already and b.) you never know what the future will bring. Ups and downs, you know. I like ups and I like downs but what is really unnerving is that they are coming in waves and of course always most unexpected. Beside that, yes I am back. I missed a lot of my regular stuff so I assume it is a good thing. One of these things was the roleplay on Fallen Knights because I simply love to write and enjoyed to write with these ladies there. Most of you know the struggles and problems I had so I had to step back and give up a character I wrote for several years. Isimply had to because there had not been any other option for me. I still think it was the right decision. I avoided the whole board for weeks (well, the whole net more or less) because I needed a cut from my regular behaviour but that is another story. To keep things short: I started to read again a few weeks ao and finally I am stepping into the whole writing challenge there again with a new character or more: a character I hardly posted before I left. Today I dared to read the very first Lancelot post since I have retreated and closed the door behind me for this character. The first thing I read was: <i>the forse deserved a name</i> and it has a name now. I was like: not correct, ladies, that horse has no name - it never had and it never will have one. (see Lessy, Harvey!) This is by all means no critism in the writer who plays Lancelot now because I know her writing style and she is pretty good and does a great job I am sure. It was just... well, kind of odd for me to read that after three years explaining people that no, my horses who never survived long had no names and no, they will never have names because I do not care. I think I have to learn to let Harvey go and I hope that someone will kick me if I will start to act like a child or something. I am still nervous to return I think and I hope that I will like that new character as much as liked the original one who had a lot of 'me' in his behaviour or the way how he saw the world. (no, I am not bitchy) I am still working to find a proper connection to the new character which is a nice one but I am missing the personal thing. It is no Harvey so far but I assume that is normal and time will tell what the special connection is. Now, that post sounds kind of a complaint - which it is NOT! I just wanted to point out again that it is good to be back and that I am looking forward to meet Lancelot myself finally.
Your Knight & Harvey.
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| Sunflower in disguise III |
[24 Feb 2008|04:26pm] |
It is a winter's morning. After days of rain and snow the sun seems to come out for the very first time again. The little rose is the first one to wake up and looks up into the bright sky, opening and stretching its dark red petals to feel alive again. It does not feel right but the little plant knows that there is an essential need to move if it does not want to suffer and die. So it takes a deep breath and opens up, slowly one leave followed by the other, one petal after the other. With a hint of happiness it wants to share the feeling of life with its precious.
It is a winter's morning when it happens. An unexpected gust of wind grasps the bright yellow sunflower petal, swirls it around and the little rose smiles at the wonderful sight because it looks like the petal is dancing for the rose. It looks beautiful and more than ever the little rose wants to become what the sunflower petal is. But then the happy smile fades when the wind carries the yellow petal away, away and further away until it cannot be seen anymore. The little rose waits and stares into the sky. It stares and waits for the single petal to return but nothing happens. "Give me my sunflower back!" the little rose cries into the darkening sky but it knows already that the precious is lost and nothing will be given back. The little rose starts to cry. With the sunflower petal everything seem to be lost. It closes the dark red petals tightly and sobs alone. There is nobody it could share the pain with, nobody who would understand.
In a cold winter's night something nudges the little rose and slowly it opens up again. Very slowly because there is no reason anymore to open up for anything if the sunflower would not return. But there is another dark red rose, close to the little one. It has never recognised this one. It is beautiful and strong - as beautiful and strong as the huge sunflowers on the other side of the garden are. The bigger rose offers a new sunflower petal and says: "Be what you want to be. I love you - yellow or red."
And for the first time in a while the little rose feels like wanting to be what it really is.
Your Knight.
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| If you wonder... |
[06 Feb 2008|12:09pm] |
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I did not vanish. I am not hurt. I did not die. Fact is that I am avoiding the net completely at the moment to get things into the line again here. Somehow. Hopefully. Because as it is at the moment there is no way to continue anymore. Ignoring helps for a while but not forever - even I have to accept that at times. If this sounds cryptic, ignore it. I just wanted to let those I tended to talk to on Yahoo or here on LJ know that I am still alive and I did not forget you. Take care. Your Knight.
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| Sunflower in disguise II |
[15 Jan 2008|08:42am] |
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It is a cold autum afternoon and the dim light announces the night with its typical shades of grey and growing shadows. The wind blows, tugging at the petals. The sunflower bouncing and bending and resiting to break, but finally a single petal gives in to the seducing game of the wind. It is blown around, carried by the wind - it swirls and twirls and dances in the air. It lands easily and quietly on the rose bed. The little rose peeks out between the dark red petals and opens them carefully. The rose looks at the other roses who have closed their leaves for the night already and none of them is paying any attention or waking up. When the rose realises what exactly landed on the bed the small plant is both: excited and nervous. The sunflower. At least a part of the beloved and wonderful sunflower! It reaches for the yellow petal that looks like pure sunshine in the increasing darkness, slow and hesitating. What if someone will see it? What if something will happen? Something bad... but how can something be bad that looks soright and gorgeous? With all the courage the rose can come up with it grabs the sunflower petal and sticks it between its own red ones. Nothing. Nothing happens, nobody looks. And it feels different and right and good. Carefully the rose closes its petals around the single yellow leave, hiding its precious from the others and taking care of it. With a last look at the tall sunflowers and a small sigh the rose goes to sleep, too. Your Knight. Who tells me that there are no sunflowers growing in autumn might be right but my sunflowers do.
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| Sometimes you stumble over old stuff... |
[12 Jan 2008|10:31pm] |
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I managed to get some files and pictures from my crashed computer today and when I looked through the stuff on my notebook I found a picture that made me cry. Yes, I admit without shame that I cried today. For someone I never met and I did not even know. Rest in peace Camila - you have my full respect. Your Knight.
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| Sunflower in disguise. |
[01 Jan 2008|07:12pm] |
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On a bright and shiny day early in the morning... slowly the beautiful flowers unfold their colourful petals and the sweet aroma fills the air. A little rose, bright red and without thorns, stands well protected in the middle of the wonderful dark red roses. They all take care that no other flower that is not worth their friendship gets too close to their little precious. "How can I become what I am not?" the little rose asks one day. "What do you want to become?" one of the older roses asnwers patiently and bends slightly down to hear the quiet words better. The little rose looked over to the yellow sunflowers and sighs. "A sunflower! When I am grown up I want to become a sunflower." "Don't be stupid," one of the older roses says. "Who wants to be a sunflower? They are huge and ugly while we are elegant, the top class and Royals in the world of flowers. Be grateful to be what you are." The rose closes its petals and remains silent. The little rose looks around, puzzled and not happy with the answer, hoping for an other one. "And who would turn you into a sunflower at all?" asks another rose with shake of its flower head. At least this question is easy to answer for the little rose: "The farmer. He will come with his fertiliser and help me to change into what I want to be." It is so simple. It is impossible. The roses just look at the little one and with a last headshake they go back to sleep for the night while a little sunflower in disguise looks over to those it belongs to and sehds a tear. Or two. Or three. Your Knight.
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| Down Time. |
[13 Nov 2007|09:47pm] |
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Wow, I said I would take some time off of the roleplays and stuff but that was not planned. My computer crashed - finally - completely. I managed to get a laptop almost in time but I am not done yet with all the arrangements so I am not back to normal. I just wanted to let those of you know I talk to on a regular basis.
Computer dead, most of the data lost *g* I am still working on the whole thing to get at least a few more things from the dead thing before I have to throw it away.
I hope that all is done by the weekend - so, talk to you soon, gang.
Your Knight.
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| Complete. |
[04 Nov 2007|10:43pm] |
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I decided to be what I really am – and it felt just awsome. It felt right, long missed, it was like waking up and coming to life after years of waiting, lurkin and living a lie. Hard words for someone who claimed to know what he wanted and how to get it. I am sure I chose overdramatic words but it is exactly what I feel right now so I write it down – deal with me. I will be back in my oh so well planned life on Monday morning at 8 o’clock because no, I do not want to step out and change everything. I hope to be able to do so if it would be the best for me. Right now I do not think it would be. It would be a step backwards, lead by doubts and wrong motives. But still, it felt awsome to just BE. To be what I once was: all black. Whatever the others thought about me and my styling my lover said he liked it – not sure if he REALLY did but it made me all happy. For the first time in weeks I felt complete. Take care. Your Knight.
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| Decisions. |
[30 Oct 2007|10:17pm] |
Remember?
Hell, I am tired of all these decisions. Do not get me wrong: I do not want any one else to be responsible for my life and the way I decided (#1) to live it. But it is a fact that we have to start early to make important decisions abd it is not getting any better, no.
It starts when you are a child...
decide (#2) if you like the new toy, if you are tired or if you should cry to make your parents know or recognise something in particular.
It continues when you are a teenager...
decide (#3) if your parents jerks or if they are cool because they let you have that piercing you decided (#4) you want to have. If you want to have a job and if yo, which one. Or would you prefer to study? Remind you that is a decision (#5) for life. Who should you love? You have to decide (#6) between the girl with the huge brown eyes and the boy with the spikey hair. And gosh, what if you decide (#7) to love of them, should you keep that secret? Or should let everyone know?
Your are getting older and you realise that you have to be more serious if you want to be successfull in your job. Do you want to be at all? Decide (#8) - tie or leather coat. Ah, no doubt, you make your decision. Change your style from black to serious and handsome. You buy a conservative car and have a quiet, reliable life. You changed your friends to move on because they did not accept your decision - unwilled to decide (#9) themselves.
Many decisions.
And you are happy, right?
And then you meet that girl with the huge brown eyes again...
Your Knight.
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| Obsession. |
[26 Oct 2007|11:16am] |
I am fascinated about the word obsession. O.B.S.E.S.S.I.O.N. Nothing really sepcial, right? Just a nine letter word that means not much out of context and still I am fascinated - kind of a subtle fascination you can hardly put into words.
[1. Compulsive preoccupation with a fixed idea or an unwanted feeling or emotion, often accompanied by symptons of anxiety.
2. A compulsive, often unreasonable idea or emotion.]
(dictionary)
You find the same explanation for the word everywhere and I think it is not the right way to see it - all knowing dictionary or not.
An unwanted feeling? Would you choose it at all if it would be that unwanted? I would not. Personally I think this is wrong. Probably a part of you does not want to be obsessed but certainly the deeper and stronger part wants it, hence chose to be. If this obsession is good or bad is not the question right now. I am just talking about the basic fact of being obsessed.
Accompanied by symptoms of anxiety? Maybe. On what would you focus these feelings otherwise if there would not be your personal obsession? Simple question and impossible to answer.
Unreasonable idea? The question is, do I need a reason? I do not, I say. I can always just choose to be because I want to be, because I want to test it out of curiosity, because I feel like it. Like I am just bored and pick any book from the shelf to choose any page in the middle of it to read. I just want to.
The reason why you are obsessed at all is overrated. The question behind it all is why you choose your object of obsession and how you did it. We all have our dark little secrets and I want to know them all...
Your Knight.
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| Pressure. |
[22 Oct 2007|09:30pm] |
Yes, let us talk about pressure.
Not the kind of pressure that puts you under a desperate need to be successfull or that makes you feeling full of energy, not even about sexual pressure.
The pressure I refer to makes you running in circles, not knowing what the problem is at all. It makes you go to work, spend time with family and friends. It makes you look normal for the rest of the world and still it is an odd power that makes you doubt. While you don't know where it is coming from you run in circles, trying to find and possible solution for something you do not even know it exists.
Because? Because this pressure is you, you cannot find a solution and you are stuck in your own circles. Round and round it goes.
Ah no, the circles are not the worst thing but the feeling to miss anything out there. There could be a better job, another appartment, another party, any better possibility. ANd there it is: the pressure. The pressure to live - properly.
This is nothing wrong you say? This is a good thing?
Yes, it might be.
But what if you realise in years that all had been wrong. Life is a one way road only. There is no second chance, no returning back into the past to change anything, no slow motion, no reset button. There again: pressure. There is a fine line between making a most needed decision and running away. Our whole life is influenced by decisions. I am not in the mood to talk about decisions. Next time.
Take care,
Your Knight.
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| Nobel Peace Prize for Al Gore. |
[12 Oct 2007|11:30pm] |
Does he deserve it or not?
Personally I think he does.
I admit that I do not follow US politics a lot because well, I am European. But there are things no one can ignore when it comes to America. Unfortunately one of these things is their present President. One of the unsolved mysteries of the world why America voted for Bush and not for Gore. After this odd voting scandal or whatever it really was Gore did the right thing - at least for me.
He may not be the best politician but this fact makes him even more important for other things like the climate. I think he deserves the Oscar as much as he does the Nobel Peace Prize - and if it is just for making people listen because they know him. As many people will not listen and ignore him because the President does the same but well, if one changes his behaviour it is a success, isn't it?
Returning to the politics?
I think he should not but that is just me, knowing nothing about politics and surely not about the American system. Although it is time to get someone else to the top again than the Republics.
Your Knight.
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| At last. |
[06 Oct 2007|03:59pm] |
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At last, when all the summer shine
That warmed life's early hours is past,
Your loving fingers seek for mine
And hold them close—at last—at last!
Not oft the robin comes to build
Its nest upon the leafless bough
By autumn robbed, by winter chilled,—
But you, dear heart, you love me now.
Though there are shadows on my brow
And furrows on my cheek, in truth,—
The marks where Time's remorseless plough
Broke up the blooming sward of Youth,—
Though fled is every girlish grace
Might win or hold a lover's vow,
Despite my sad and faded face,
And darkened heart, you love me now!
I count no more my wasted tears;
They left no echo of their fall;
I mourn no more my lonesome years;
This blessed hour atones for all.
I fear not all that Time or Fate
May bring to burden heart or brow,—
Strong in the love that came so late,
Our souls shall keep it always now! (by Elizabeth Akers Allen)
I love you - and I always will.
Your Knight.
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